Am I a criminal?

One of the government bodies I occasionally work for has asked me to resubmit my details because I haven't worked for them for some considerable time. OK, I say, this September doesn't seem that long ago to me, but what the hell? I don't mind yet another application form. But then they tell me I need a new CRB check every 3 years, so the one I had done in July 2004 is no longer good enough. Nor is the one I'm in the process of getting for the church Sunday Club. And then - they haven't sent me a form, and you can't get one as an individual. Maybe by the time I've sorted this out it'll be 3 years and ready for another new one!